Dealing with women who're insecure

Insecurity is not a trait limited to women. There are many men who are also insecure, especially if they perceive themselves to be the lesser partner in a relationship. But most often, it seems to be women who are the more insecure of the species.

Insecurity is damaging to a relationship especially when it is totally unjustified. If a woman is insecure and constantly finding fault with her partner as a result, there will come a point when he will get fed up trying to placate her and prefer being with someone who is more deserving of his affection.

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But if insecurity is one of her only failings (and you could do worse), it might help to assess the extent of the problem and conduct some damage control. If you are in a relationship and you notice some of these tell-tale signs, without ever having given her reason to feel this way, you are dealing with an insecure woman.

  • She is always needy. She depends on you for everything and makes you aware of it. She is clingy and wants to be around you all the time.
  • She is often plagued with doubts about her self-worth and suffers from low self-esteem.
  • She is suspicious of your every move and you feel you have to account to her for everything.
  • She often wants access to all your personal communication, cell phone messages, etc.
  • She makes you feel on edge because you have to be on your guard or defend yourself to her.
  • She often accuses you of being tempted to cheat on her or of actually being unfaithful and you have never done anything to warrant it.
  • She complains of being neglected or feeling left out of your life.

While most of us are insecure about something, be it our looks, intelligence or popularity, we tend to deal with it and get on with our lives. We are aware that we are lacking in a certain department, but also reassure ourselves that we compensate for it in another area. Insecurity becomes a problem when it assumes larger-than-life proportions and verges on paranoia. It is worth examining the problem and getting to the root cause of the insecurity, just as any paranoia can be traced to certain deep-rooted fears.

Most often, insecurity stems from a basic lack of confidence. A feeling of just not being good enough and not being able to measure up to expectations, more from the woman herself, than from any external source. It could be early childhood experiences like a harsh growing-up environment, being orphaned, negligent foster care, an abusive parent or being denied love and still craving it.

Sometimes a woman becomes insecure due to severe criticism, either from parents or siblings, that she’s too lazy or inefficient or totally lacking in looks for anyone to ever be attracted to her. Or she may have become insecure more recently when a relationship went sour and she got dumped, or found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her.

If you are not able to get to the root of the problem yourself, seek help. In order to get her to commit to seeking help, she has to first admit that there is a problem and it is not you. If you point fingers or try to assign blame, she will withdraw. And accuse you of having something to hide after all. Even if you do not ascertain a cause, the important thing is to get her to acknowledge in the most subtle way possible that there is a problem and you are willing to tackle it head-on and support her through it. Be patient and tolerant of her uncertainties.

In order to get her to open up and confide in you about her deepest fears or allow you to get somebody to help her if you can’t, she has to really begin to trust you. And once she really trusts you, not just says she does but actually believes it, a lot of her insecurities will vanish into thin air. But in order for her to reach even this halfway point, you have to sit down and communicate.

Show her that your life is an open book. Tell her that you are willing to answer any questions she has at that point or account for any time that she thinks you were up to no good, but it ends there. Tell her about your past relationships and bad experiences and ask her if she would like to share some of hers.

Reassure her that you are with her because you like her as she is, except for her unjustified and uncalled for accusations. If she is under the impression that you are after someone who is better looking, sexier, more intelligent or all of the above, lighten the situation by telling her you wouldn’t know what to do with a woman like that and might be intimidated at the prospect.

Remind her that you enjoy your relationship and her presence in your life and the only reason it is stopping short of being perfect is because of the unhappiness she feels and the hurt you apparently cause her. And that makes you miserable too. Let her know subtly that her accusations are irrational and you would never contemplate doing what she is accusing you of. And say it only if you mean it.

Be absolutely honest and upfront. In order to completely gain her trust, you have to work doubly hard than you would with someone who is not insecure. That means avoiding telling her even tiny white lies or deception of any sort. If she finds out the truth, it will be sufficient to undo all the success you have had thus far in getting her to trust you.

Be appreciative of her good qualities and reinforce them so that she too starts feeling good about herself. Seek her opinion and let her know it matters to you.

Support and encourage her to take up new endeavours and pursue activities that will creatively engage her energies, thus leaving her with less free time to obsess about or ponder over her insecurities. As difficult as it is to deal with a woman who’s perpetually insecure, it can be done. First you have to be convinced of your dedication and commitment to the relationship and once you surmount the problem together, you will be a stronger couple for it.