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Getting Back Together for Divorced Couples
It may be a painful way of doing it, but couples usually find out how good a thing they had going only after they get out of a marriage. So if you have been there and done that but if you are still unable to forget your ex, here are a few tips on getting back together for divorced couples.
- Get real
The first step to take if former partners want to get back after an official separation is to acknowledge the fact that there has been a been a breach in their relationship and that they may first need to move away in order to come back to each other. If the breakup is quite recent, say a week, it would be wise to stay away from an ex as much as possible. Calling him/her repeatedly, crying or creating a scene or even wishing to meet up too soon will make one come across as needy and emotionally immature. On the other hand, if an ex sends out feelers right after the divorce, it would be best to ignore them for a while until one is certain about he/she is serious about getting back together.
Divorced couples can use the cooling off period to go over the reasons of their breakup. Was it because either one of them was cheating in the relationship or was it because differing priorities and personalities made it too difficult to pull along together? And if the couple is thinking of getting back together now, both would need to consider what will have to change. For instance if a spouse felt neglected or unloved because of the other’s frequent out-of-town business trips, will the former now be more willing to be on their own or is there any definite proof that the other partner will revise his/her professional priorities. Likewise, if an affair had led to the breakup, how can the couple be sure that person at the receiving end is willing to forgive and forget? At the same time, it is necessary for both parties to consider why they want to get back together? Is it because they feel that they cannot possibly go through life on their own or because no matter who they are with, they always end up thinking about each other? Clarifying the reasons behind the desire to patch up will help an estranged couple in deciding how best to go about renewing their relationship.
- Take care
Post divorce, each partner may have reveled in the fact that now there would be no one to nag them about clean underwear or that there would be no more reason to endure those monthly waxing sessions. However if they are considering getting back with each other, looking something like the cat dragged in is hardly the right way to go about it. Rather each of them needs to look the best they can so that the ex is impressed by the new, good-looking person they once took for granted. One can go for a makeover if they can afford it. If not, even a new hairstyle or refurbished wardrobe can work wonders for their personal style. Above all one should not forget the importance of regular exercise and a healthy diet in looking and feeling good about oneself.
- Back to the basics
If a couple is trying to get together after a divorce, it would help if each of them tried to be the person their ex fell for in the first place. So, if your ex had been attracted by your intelligent personality, go back to pursuits which will enrich your mind and broaden your mental horizons. Or if your bright, outgoing nature had attracted him/her in the first place, make sure you are cheerful and fun to be with once again. Correct any negative attitudes that may have crept within you as a result of the divorce. Your ex too will pick up the positive energies emanating from you and want to stick around.
- Keep meetings non-committal
The first few meetings is extremely delicate ground for former spouses trying to get back together. They could begin by casually asking an ex if they would like to meet up at the club for a game of tennis or if they would want to grab a pizza after attending a kid’s dance show. And in case an ex agrees to such a meeting it is also important to keep the conversation easy and stay close to topics of general interest. If one of them launch into serious talk about their past, the other person may get cold feet and want to back off. However if an ex seems eager for past reminiscences, the other person may take the cue and follow it up from there.
- Let an ex know that he/she still figures in the other person’s thoughts
Even though an ex should not feel as though he/she is being pressured into getting back, at the same time it is important to make him/her aware that their former spouse still thinking of them. For instance, you can send a short email to your ex saying how you came across his/her favorite book in a store and then remembered the great times you both had in the past, browsing through book shops and garage sales. However don’t go all soppy but keep in light and non-threatening.
- Take advantage of a joint past
One of the biggest advantages that former spouses have over a new partner is a shared past. So each can make use of the common past to reconnect with their former partner, like bringing up a happy memory or wearing the dress/shirt that had been once complimented by him/her. One can also ask after an ex’s parents or co-workers and make a positive remark about them. However here it is important not to use the kids, if there are any, as a bait for getting back with an ex. The individuals concerned should want a reconciliation on the strength of their partnership and not merely because the kids need their mom/dad to come back home.
- Bring up the subject of reconciliation
Once the estranged couple has attained a level of comfort with each other, it is time to see if an ex would like to talk about the past. However attacking an ex for the failure of the relationship or reciting a litany of his/her perceived faults will do nothing to bring about reconciliation. Rather one can begin by saying that they’re sorry things didn’t work out in the past and then go on to suggest if they both can do things differently this time. However one needs to be alert to the ex’s reactions and drop the matter if he/she still seems uncomfortable about talking of the past. But if he/she does follow your lead, discuss what went wrong and how things can be worked out.
There are many reasons why increasingly couples want to get back together even after a divorce. Such reasons may range from the practical like the advantages of maintaining a single establishment to emotional like being with the kids. However the familiarity of a long-time partner and the love that goes with it are much more important if one want things to work the second time around.