If your Husband Doesn't Want to Have Sex with you
Physical intimacy is an essential part of any successful marriage. While there are no rules on how often you should be making love to your husband, if such episodes have come to a total standstill, perhaps you need to take stock of the situation. Here are a few things you should consider if your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you at all.
- The physical aspect.
The physical aspect is the most obvious place to start with if you notice your husband reluctant to have sex with you. Perhaps he is facing problems with sexual stimulation or achieving erection and does not want you to know. For men sex is the supreme evidence of love for their partners and any kind of inability in this area can not only be embarrassing but even depressing for them. Again your husband may have an underlying medical condition or be on medication that has negatively affected his libido. The solution here is to help him to talk about it. Try to keep the channels of communication open so that he feels comfortable enough to discuss his condition with you and if necessary consult a physician.
- Mental stress.
If your husband has been under great stress recently, it is possible that the condition is affecting his sexual desire too. Choking deadlines at work, financial worries or health issues affecting his parents may be leaving him mentally and physically exhausted with the result that at the end of the day, he no longer wants to do anything but gulp down his dinner and crash for the night. Here again the best way you can help him is by offer your unflinching support. Try to take on some responsibilities at home until your husband has finished his work deadlines and can once again give you his attention. However if it is not a passing phase, look for ways to tell him that while he can be assured of your love it is also important for you both to spend time together as a couple. A vacation even for a weekend usually works wonders to revive a flagging sex life and rejuvenate a marriage.
- Need for your respect.
While at the beginning of your marriage you had eyes for no one else, now you may be too wrapped in responsibilities at work and home to give your husband a second glance. He may be keenly feeling this loss of attention and admiration from you and expressing his displeasure through lack of interest in sex. No matter how long they have been in a marriage, men need to feel that they are still heroes for their wives. So if you have started taking your husband for granted, go back to keeping track of the wonderful things your husband does for you. Avoid nagging him or cutting him down, especially before company. Make it a point to appreciate any small gesture of love on his part or just the simple fact that for all this time he has been a faithful and supportive partner. Once your husband feels that he has is again the center of your world, he will naturally be drawn to physically express his love for you.
- Inability to connect with you on an emotional level.
This may be news to wives who believe that only women need to bond emotionally before they can take pleasure in sex. However the same can be true for many men too, especially if they are on the sensitive side. If you have been emotionally distant from your husband due to pressures at work or other preoccupations, it may have caused him to feel neglected and unloved. If he feels that you have been merely tolerating him while other aspects of your life offer you much more joy and satisfaction, he may believe that there is no longer any point in seeking physical intimacy from you. The solution here is to reassure him of your love. Find time to spend with your husband and do all the romantic things with which you indulged him in the earlier days of your marriage and he will surely show a greater interest in making love to you.
- Bedroom boredom
Bedroom boredom is one of the biggest killers of marital intimacy. Once a couple discovers what works fairly well for them in bed, they are likely to stick to the same routine to minimize mutual dissatisfaction. However the problem here is that the over time, the same routine gets stuck in a rut until one of them is so bored by it that he may stop looking forward to sex. Try to think of ways to re-ignite the spark in your marriage. Ask your husband if there is anything special he would like to do and within the limits of your safety and comfort, be ready to indulge him. Acting out roles or playing adult games could be other fun ways to set the stage sizzling and make your husband only too eager to join in.
- Having an affair.
If you have done your best to revive your husband’s interest in making love and still been unsuccessful, perhaps you could explore the possibility of an extra-marital affair. However before you jump to conclusions, you must have definite proof of your husband’s suspected infidelity. Loss of interest in sex is merely one symptom and does not indicate an affair unless accompanied by other signs like lack of time spent at home, increasing furtiveness on phone, lack of transparency on work appointments and office meetings, receding interest in family events, higher phone or dining bills and so on. If at all your suspicions are confirmed, you have to decide, either together or with the help of a therapist, whether you want to work towards saving your marriage or would prefer parting ways.
- Reevaluate your own attractiveness.
If he has been reluctant to have sex with you, it may be because the chemistry isn't what it used to be. Take a look at yourself. Have you been taking your own looks and appearance for granted? Have you put on a lot of weight and do your trousers from last fall not fit you any more? Maybe it's time to get back into shape. That will possibly reignite the fire. Be more conscious about your appearance. Wear feminine clothes. Disheveled hair and clothes an be a turn off. Motherhood brings a lot of responsibilities and when attending to a toddler it can be tough to keep looking attractive with your baby’s drool and dried milk showing up on your gowns. If you can afford it, get some outside help to delegate some of your responsibilities to while you take out some 'me time'. Appearing more attractive will make you feel better about yourself, boost your confidence and rejuvenate your love life.
The human libido is influenced by a great many physical and psychological factors. There can be no single prescription for how much sex a couple should have to be content. On the other hand, therapists usually agree that a complete lack of interest in physical intimacy is often a symptom of underlying marital issues or even a harbinger of marital breakdown. It’s not coming for a man to lose interest in having sex if he’s still virile. The good news however is that it is something than can be resolved and with a little bit of patience and lots of love, you and your husband can go back to having a rollicking time between the sheets.