When you get married and start living with this beautiful woman you’ve fallen in love with, you get used to her habits - good and bad. You wake up and see her everyday. You go for walks together. You know she will take an hour in the shower even if she claims she takes ten minutes. On Sundays, she will cook an extra-special meal although it’s her only day to relax. You get used to her quirkiness and her idiosyncrasies. Messy dressing tables, overstuffed closets, four different types of jams for breakfast with healthy multigrain bread, soppy soap operas, etc. So, when you’re wife’s gone, and she’s left you with an empty side of the bed and a clean closet, it's obvious, you’re going to be anxious, upset, suicidal even. Women—can’t live with them…can’t live without them. If you’re down in the dumps and you can’t imagine your life without your wife, there’s still hope.
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Patience and perseverance are important if you want your wife to see that you’re new and improved. However, remember you cannot make your wife fall in love with you if she’s not in love with you. When you go about the exercise of wooing and winning your wife over, you must draw the line between convincing and coercing. Do not be overbearing. Each person has the right to live their life in their own way. If this new life does not include you, do whatever a reasonable man would do and stop at that.
Breakups and lover’s quarrels are minor hitches and they can be easily dealt with. However, being separated after marriage is difficult for several reasons. If she has decided to walk out on you for good, the trigger must be serious. She may have walked out on you because of a major fight, inherent incompatibility, indiscretions, infidelity, etc. Whatever the reason she walked out on you, if you want your wife to come back to you, you have to go back to the time you were wooing her. Remember how you were on your best behaviour because you didn’t want to mess things up. Remind her of the man she fell in love with.
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1) Try to use your time away from her in a positive manner. Sulk and mope, but snap out of it in a few days because there’s work to be done. Focus on yourself. Do not ignore work, exercise, etc. Try to be happy and content. This way, when you make contact with your wife to renew your relationship, you’re not this drunk alcoholic who’s moping and sulking. You’re confident and positive. I’m sure you’ll know which image of you will make a better impression.
2) If you think it’s your fault, question yourself. Is this a habit, behaviour, or personality trait that you think you can change. If it’s your smoking, drinking, substance abuse, partying, nagging, possessiveness etc., are you really going to change? If you can and will seriously work towards that, you need to show her instead of merely telling her. For instance, if alcohol has been the problem, don’t go to her place after a couple of drinks and promise her you’ll change. Stay sober for a few days. Try to understand the effort this is going to take to genuinely get rid of the habit. Then express to her that you are willing to change this habit because you want her back.
3) Incompatibility is the most under-estimated aspect of a relationship. When you’re looking for your life partner, you consider several things such as beauty, intelligence, sense of humour, etc. However, the most important thing for a relationship and marriage to work is compatibility. Most new marriages and relationships see a lot of fights and quarrels. But things start to settle down. This is the maturing phase, where both partners realize that to make the relationship stress-free, there’s give and take. Partners realize that it doesn’t matter if the toilet seat is left up or down or if the coffee cup is always on the porch or the newspaper is always crumpled up. However, when couples don’t seem to reach this phase and when each fight makes you fearful and you seem like you don’t know where this relationship is going, understand and accept that there is inherent incompatibility. The simplest way to deal with this is to go a counsellor. Professional advice can help mend the relationship and make it strong. If you feel that you do not want to go to a counsellor just as yet, be your own counsellor. List down the triggers of most fights. Trace the reason to some emotional need. For instance, you and your wife fight because she likes things in an order and you don’t care. Now, instead of calling your wife crazy, question why she feels the need to have things in order all the time. Most people cannot think or function in a cluttered space. If you think your wife is one of them, try to reach an understanding. Ask her what spaces she must absolutely have clean. Based on this, designate areas where you are allowed to be your messy self. For example, in the garage, in your room, your closet, maybe your reading room. Reach a compromise and stick to it.
4) Lack of passion cannot be ignored. Has your relationship lost the magic and spark? It’s time to reignite it. Women are just as interested in sex as men are. And if you’re not as exciting as you used to be in the sack, she is going to start reconsidering, on some level. Maybe not consciously, but on some level, she’s thinking you’re no fun anymore. Pull up your socks and work on this. If she has already left you, you need to convince her that you are willing to work on this. However, for a woman to really feel sexy and wanted, you have to start outside the bedroom. Woo her with flowers and chocolates. Give your wife the attention she deserves. Spend time talking to her. Most men do not understand that you can touch and caress without it having to go anywhere. Remember your make out sessions when you were just going out. Remember how they kept you wanting and longing for more. She’s more likely to remember a passionate kiss while watching a movie rather than the last time you had sex. Turn on the charm when she agrees to see you for say dinner or coffee. Sweep her off her feet. If you’re ordinarily the shy and indifferent type, the new “you” will surprise her even more. And when you get the chance to get intimate with her again, let her see that you’re wild and exciting.
5) If your indiscretions have left her heartbroken and she’s finally decided it’s enough, things may get difficult and ugly. Ask yourself if you can really stop being unfaithful. If you really need to be with someone else, then it’s a decision that you should take. If you don’t want to be with the other person and want your wife back, understand that it’s going to be the most difficult thing to win back her trust. Be ready to put up with several fights, quarrels and accusations. Take baby steps. If you really love your wife, you will be able to bear it with dignity and win her back.
6) Find a way of staying in touch with her in a non-invasive manner. If you have common friends, inquire about her politely. If you use networking sites, send her a private message every now and then. If she’s ok with you calling, have telephone conversations frequently. Chatting online is a great way of being uninhibited and saying the things you want to. Whatever the medium, her comfort is important.
Remember that with a positive attitude and concerted effort, you will be able to win your wife back.