If your Ex Boyfriend Won't Leave you Alone

Category: 

Sometimes a relationship isn’t meant to be and the best thing that the partners can do is to go their own ways.  However some people have more trouble moving on than others and they keep trying to make unwanted contact with a former partner. If you have been facing the same kind of behavior from an ex boyfriend, here are a few things you can do.

Make things clear

If the breakup is fresh, let your boyfriend know that you don’t want to be in touch with him. Avoid parting with such phrases as “I’ll always be there for you” or “We are still friends” which may be mistaken as invitations to renew contact. If you know that your ex has difficulty in letting go of people from his life, be clear from the beginning as to what is and is not allowed. Perhaps you can be friends down the road, but if the breakup is fresh, let him know that you need space. Politely but firmly ask him not to contact you until you are ready.

Confront him

If despite your making it clear that you don’t want to be contacted by him, your ex boyfriend keeps bothering you, it is time to confront him. Tell your ex in no uncertain terms that this kind of behavior qualifies as stalking, it makes you feel uncomfortable and that it needs to stop – now. This is rather difficult when you have already shared an intimate past and you may hesitate for fear of appearing too rude, insensitive or unnecessarily paranoid. However remember that unlike you, your ex does not feel constrained by the thought of social niceties; if he had been so, then he would not have been bothering you around in the first place. Thus you are entirely within your rights to tell him to back off. Do this as far as possible before a friend who can act as a witness not only to your ex’s unwanted attentions but also to your assertive reactions.

Refuse calls

Persistent phone calls are one of the most common forms of stalking. If your ex won’t stop calling you, tell him you will not talk to him. Instead of saying "I can't talk to you", tell him clearly "I won’t talk to you." Maybe you can invest in caller ID which will help you to identify any wanted callers. Many stalkers know that they can punch in a code to keep their name and phone number private. If possible, you can have calls marked "private" blocked. This way your ex won’t be able to get through to you unless he/she is willing to divulge his name and phone number. You could change your phone number but these days because of the internet, there are all kinds of ways and means to find out a number – even if it is unlisted. Instead if you can afford it, get a second phone line installed. Since your ex will keep using the first line to call you, you will be able to avoid any unintentional phone contact with him but at the same time you won’t miss any calls because your family and friends will have your private number to the second line.



Let others know

Stalking is a serious situation and you should not have to face it alone. Let your family and friends know what is going on with you. Tell everyone that your ex is creating trouble and what you are doing to stop him. This will not only send out a clear signal to your ex that there are people to keep you company but in fact your relatives can contact the police in case something untoward happens to you. It is important to let your landlord know about the situation so that he/she cannot unwittingly give out any kind of information about you or hand over duplicate keys to your apartment. If need be, tell your boss as well but also reassure him/her that the situation will not hamper your productivity at work.

Take immediate steps

If your ex boyfriend’s behavior gets to the level of serious stalking, you need to take several steps to assure your personal safety. Change the locks to your apartment, if you already haven’t done so and make sure nobody else can get the keys. Keep the doors and windows locked and always be certain of who you are letting indoors. Do the same when you are driving. If need be, you can also add a dead bolt lock. Always assume that your ex is watching you all the time and thus behave accordingly. Don’t venture out, particularly at night or in isolated places without reliable company. If your ex sees you alone, he is almost certain to follow you. Therefore have a friend or a flat-mate accompany you to the store, ATM, Laundromat, in fact wherever you go. A stalker is less likely to confront or harm you if another person is present with you.

Be prepared for emergencies

If you feel that your ex’s stalking behavior is getting serious, it would make sense to be prepared for emergencies. Ensure that your gas tank is full and you always have some cash on you when you go out since you don’t want to be get stuck in an unfamiliar place with a stalker around. Keep a small bag packed and ready with a couple of day’s worth of clothes, toiletries, and medication in case you need to get away suddenly.

Contact the police

Above all, make your personal safety the foremost concern. Any instance when you feel that your ex is threatening you or your loved ones, call 911 or get the police involved. Don’t feel embarrassed that the suspect is a former lover - remember that the police have seen it all. It is extremely important to avoid minimizing your situation or fears to the police. Even if they are busy attending to hundreds of such cases in a week, keep in mind that a police officer would much rather spend time doing paper work on a stalking rather than investigating an assault or even murder. And from your perspective, it is always a good idea to keep the law in the loop; even if your ex has not directly harmed you, having your case on record with the authorities will stand you in good stead later when you might need concrete evidence to fall back upon.