Infidelity in marriage is one of the most devastating experiences a person can go through. The whole thing becomes even more unbearable when you are practically certain that your husband is cheating but find that he is continues to lie to you without a touch of remorse. The least your partner owes you in a committed relationship like marriage is the truth. So here are a few suggestions on how to get your husband to admit and end an affair.
TIP: Read the guide to prevent a break up or get back with your ex.
Gather the facts
A woman’s instincts are seldom wrong when they tell her that all is not well with the marriage. However in order to get your husband to admit to an affair, you need to be armed with something much more substantial than a woman’s “feelings”. Go back to all your husband’s actions in the past few weeks which raised your suspicions in the first place and then gather the hard evidence. These could include credit card receipts, phone calls at unusual hours, strange numbers on the cell phone bill and the like. If you proceed to confront your husband on the basis of your emotions of hurt and betrayal, he is likely to laugh it off as yet another example of your paranoid behavior. But once he sees that you have come prepared with all the facts, he is more likely to admit and even end the affair.
Consider all aspects of private investigation
While gathering the evidence of your husband’s infidelity, you may be tempted to go overboard and hire a private investigator to get hold of unassailable evidence of your partner ‘in the act’. However consider what you would like to do with such evidence once you are presented with it. If you have already made up your mind to leave the lying jerk, hand over the evidence promptly to your attorney. On the other hand if you want to give your marriage another chance, hold onto the evidence and wait for the right moment to come out with it. Also consider if you would be able to deal with emotional consequences of your husband’s infidelity once you see the proof up front and in color. Moreover private investigation can be expensive and you may want to give it another thought if seeking a divorce is not an option.
Once you are mentally and practically prepared to confront your husband, ask him to come up with the truth. However be careful to hold on to your temper through all this since nothing will make him deny an affair as promptly as an angry accusation. Even if you are right in feeling angry and violated, meeting him at the door with all guns blazing or having a full-blown fight before the kids will not help anyone, much less make him admit to the affair. Rather ask your husband calmly if he is having an affair. Don’t question his behavior however but question the facts. If there are a pile of credit card receipts for dinners you have never eaten, ask him about it. Or point out to an unfamiliar cell phone number and ask why there were so many calls from it at all odd hours. Specific questions about facts are more likely to elicit an honest answer from your husband rather than pointing finger at his integrity.
Focus on effective communication
A guilty conscience will most likely take refuge in loud denials, flaring temper, rhetorical questions and counter-accusations of lack of trust or love in a partner. But don’t let your husband confuse the issue or drop the subject until you have talked it through. Now more than ever it is important to keep the channels of communication open so that each of you can take responsibility of his or her emotions and then go on to seek a resolution.
Think before you speak
If you want your husband to admit and end the affair, it is presumably because you want to give your marriage another chance. However if you find your partner still lying about his infidelity, you may be goaded into threatening that you would take a time out from the relationship unless he tells the truth. While this may result in your spouse coming clean, it is not a good idea to make the threat unless you are prepared to go through with it in case he calls your bluff.
Very often it takes a neutral third party to see things clearly. So if you still cannot get your husband to admit his affair, suggest that you both make an appointment with a marital counselor. During the session enumerate the reasons of your suspicion and present all the evidence you have in the presence of your spouse. The involvement of a counselor will not only make it easier for your husband to admit to the affair but help him to see all the reasons why he should end it as soon as possible. A counselor will enable your husband to take concrete and effective steps to leave the affair behind and encourage him to discuss and overcome the unhappiness which led him into the affair in the first place. Most importantly however, marital counseling together with a certain period of marital therapy will help the two of you to find a way out of this crisis and seek reconciliation. On the other hand if you find that you do not want to get back with your husband after what he has done, you may still need a counselor to help you cope with separation and/or divorce. Either way, professional marital counseling can be a valuable aid.
Finally, give it time
Nobody is perfect and in a deeply complex relationship like marriage, partners may make some mistakes. If your husband has admitted to an affair and is full of remorse, allow him some time to put himself together before he can make an effort to win back your trust and love.
More than the actual act of infidelity, it is the all-pervasive atmosphere of deception which is most distressing for a partner who has been betrayed. The first step out of this mess is a return to honesty followed by a mutual commitment to put things together. This is because if two people are determined not to let infidelity push them apart, then it can only bring them closer.