When You Have a Girl Crush on Someone


For many women, having a girl crush on someone forms as much a part of growing up as going crazy about a boy. The object of your crush have been the sophisticated poetry teacher in your high school, your brother’s cool girlfriend, the newest girl band sensation or later, the college senior who was known for her unconventional lifestyle. Sometimes a girl crush can even show up in your adult life for instance as a deep admiration towards a role model or someone in your office whose put-together style you wish you had. Here is then a little more about girl crushes, what they are and what they are not.

It is faintly romantic

When you have a girl crush on someone, you tend to think of that person in a rather idealized way which is faintly romantic. At the root of it all is usually an admiration for something about her – looks, confidence, personal style or the way she lives her life. You either want to befriend her or you want to be her. Most importantly you want her to like you or At the very least, notice you in a group. Perhaps you fantasize about turning into BFFs, bonding together during Thai spa sessions or over discussions on Neitzche – no matter what the specifics, you wish to spend time with her and be around her. The feeling is generally platonic, but it’s also the closest thing to a romantic crush – the object of such crushes inspires the kind of giddiness and awe that is usually the stuff of romance.

But not sexual

What sets a girl crush apart from lesbian associations is that the former is not sexual at all. You might get butterflies in your stomach when you are heading for a coffee date with a girl crush or even bumping into her at the library but there will be no thoughts of hooking up at a cheap motel room.

The element of distance

In order to have a girl crush it is not necessary to be really familiar with the object of your admiration; for example you might have a girl crush on someone you’ve admired from afar or even on a celebrity who you have no chance of meeting in real life. Even when it is someone you have just met or who works in your office, there is usually an element of psychological distance. This is the reason you don’t generally develop girl crushes on women you’ve already befriended—the allure of a crush is usually the person’s unattainability. Your fascination is with the image you’ve created and not with the reality – though none of that makes the crush any less fervent.

Why they occur

These kinds of attachments often start when girls are in their preteen years and that explains the use of the adolescent term “crush. You probably remember having a thing for your pretty skating coach or getting tongue-tied in the presence of the stylish camp counselor. Some psychologists connect these crushes with a girl's desire to be mothered; when holding such a crush, you may not consciously realize that the object of your admiration possesses the nurturing yet assertive quality that makes you feel safe and yet cherished; the person exemplifies a kind of strength that you want to be close to.

However as you grow older, it is more likely that you crush on women whom you admire, who elicit a sense of awe in you. In fact at later stages women don’t just admire the object of their girl crushes but want to emulate them. It is possible that your girl crush exhibit traits you wish we had - you wish you had her effortless style or her sense of adventure, her personal drive or her sparking wit; sometimes it may even mean a vicarious living through another person – you may develop a girl crush on athletic, outdoorsy kind of women precisely because you are bound to a desk job yourself. For you the crushing is a way to vicariously live a life that you want for yourself.

Interestingly while some women inspire crushes, others may evoke only jealousy, though both kinds may be equally attractive and successful. The difference might have to do with the woman’s awareness of her crush-worthiness. If a woman knows that she’s got something on you and that she exhibits traits you wish you had, you are more likely to find yourself put off by her rather than idolizing her. A girl crush requires modesty or, at the very least, graciousness on the part of the woman who is admired. It also helps if the person is not in direct competition with you, whether for a job or for the attentions of a male or mutual friend.

How to go about it

Now that you are roughly aware of what a girl crush is and perhaps why you have got it, it is time to consider what to do about it. Some women are content to let their girl crushes simmer as they enjoy idealizing the object of them while others take a more engaged approach. If you are comfortable about approaching your girl crush, by all means do so – ask her if she would like to meet for coffee during the day or for drinks after work. Use this time to discover mutual interests and common hobbies. However avoid getting personal, like enquiring into her romantic life or asking if she had to sleep her way to get to where she is now in her career. Such probing is the fastest way to get her to decide never to see you again. However if all goes well and you find that you have similar interests, you can plan a longer meeting down the line, like spending a Saturday afternoon shopping together.

Be realistic

No matter how badly you have got it, avoid all temptations to stalk your girl crush and this not only includes physically following her around but calling and texting at odd hours as well as filling her Facebook wall with obsessive comments and likes. In fact take a step back if you find yourself fantasizing about picking her up for coffee or drinks or are constantly planning what to say when you do call her. A crush is a harmless form of idealization so long as it remains within limits of civil interaction. Though in some cases, girl crushes can lead to fulfilling, long-term, friendships, almost always the idealization is tempered as you get to know the person better and consequently gain a deeper insight into the inevitable foibles of a person. So by nature of its being, a crush eventually fades, though the admiration may survive – accept the waning of all such idealization and leave it at that.